I heard these in church this morning. So many times I get caught up in the here and now. “You only live once” kinda stuff. But life is so much more than that. Continue reading
Sooooo since I finally finished up the CPA exam today (confidently assuming I passed haha) and grad school back in June, AND since recruiting doesn’t begin until September, a lot of free time lays before me. More than I’ve had in over a year. I’ve been looking forward to it for a while (since February really) and it kind of feels like a vacation. You know how you save up as much money as possible to go blow it on a specific and slightly random purpose while on vacation? (I did this in Cardiff once… bought a scarf and a cardigan. Not really a big spender.) Well, I feel like I’ve saved up three weeks worth of time to go spend on whatever the heck I feel like. I want to paint. I want to finish the Ted Dekker series I’m in the middle of. (Side note rabbit trail thingy: Have you read him??? He is amazing!! If his plot twists weren’t enough, the way nearly EVERY SINGLE book ties to all the others is incredible. Mind. Blown.) I want to read the Harry Potter series from start to finish in a single week. I want to make random tutorials/movies. I want to hang-out with my friends. I want to make more paper art. Let the time splurging begin!! (Does any one else save up time like this? Seems to be an odd way to think about it…) Continue reading
You have a glow
That needs to grow
You have a light
Now make it bright
Make it big for the world to see
Let it shine through you, straight to me
To her, to him
Let it shine to them
To every nation and people
From a hut to a steeple
To the youngest of children, the oldest of old
You have a light and a hope that none should withhold
Now I ask for you to give
Your light to the world, that they may live
It is your choice, your own, not mine
But whatever you do will affect all time.
The last six months have been filled with Becker classes and grad school. I graduated in June though, so all that’s left is to finish up Becker. I’ve taken and passed FAR and AUD, taken REG, and all that’s left is BEC. Finally!!!! The wonderful end is in sight :D My next and last exam is August 8th and I can’t wait to get it over with. They (the people explaining CPA study effort) weren’t kidding when they said that it would consume my life. It definitely has. Friendships have ended. Family stress has increased. Dates have been avoided. BUT it’s all almost over!!!!! Hooray!!! All I can do is thank God for giving me passing grades on my exams and in my classes. I can do all things through Him and that had been reinforced over and over again in the last six months. Sigh of relief :)
These two unfortunately go together and were written on the dates of title…
1 December 2005
A year and a half ago the pain began
Memorial Day made memorable
By a stroke to the sleeping.
The phone calls started,
Trips to the hospital too.
Over a few months the pain sparked anger.
Anger led to hatred and hatred had to be dealt with.
The hatred was calmed and replaced with
Dread of the phone calls.
Dread of the never-ending hospital trips.
Dread of the pain that was constantly worse,
Is constantly worse.
A week ago the end was in sight.
Relief was within reach.
All dread, and the energy wasted on it,
Was transformed into
Uncertain hope, but hope nonetheless.
Two days go the phone calls stopped.
Relief was close enough to taste.
The end of the never-ceasing pain was
Yesterday another trip to the hospital was made.
It lasted eight and a quarter hours.
The waiting was physically, emotionally,
And mentally draining.
Hope was clung to
And supernatural patience was felt.
Last night, at 5:15pm, hope and relief
The pain, dread, and anger came back;
Fueled by frustration, confusion, and disappointment.
The phone calls have started again.
The trips to the hospital are much more frequent.
Anger has faded,
But the pain and dread are stronger than ever.
The end is out of sight.
Today I wish:
That life was a dream and that I could wake up.
That pain and dread were nightmares
And never really felt.
That the phone would stop ringing,
And that hope would come back.
Today the pain isn’t over,
The dread isn’t gone.
The end is still out of sight.
But the end will come,
The pain will stop,
It has to.
15 December 2005
Two weeks ago the pain intensified
I thought things couldn’t get worse,
But they did.
Death to one unexpected
Threw me into confusion.
Pain and loneliness surrounded me
Ten days ago I walked into
A war zone.
Words of hatred flew back and forth in
That house of anger and sadness.
Comfort was desperately needed,
But I didn’t know how to express it!
Nine days ago was the funeral;
And the tension made it so hard
The pain was dealt with in opposite ways.
Some had uncontrollable weeping.
Others looked emotionless.
The feelings were bottled so tightly;
And true emotion was armored so carefully
That almost no comfort could be given.
I was allowed inside one person’s fortress.
The undertow of her grief was
And drenched in my own endless tears,
All I could do was watch her cry for him,
Talk to him,
And try desperately to rub some life back into him.
I couldn’t move; I was
I couldn’t help her.
All I could do was hurt, and watch her hurt.
It was a nauseating pain,
It still is.
Another person was allowed inside her fortress.
That person was able to do what I couldn’t.
That person held her,
And told her that the one she lost was still alive in her heart.
That is was okay to cry for him,
Her best friend,
The one that she couldn’t wake up.
Three days ago we went our separate ways;
She went to school and I went home,
Supposedly to live normal lives again.
But I can’t get normal.
I can’t focus.
I can’t get rid of my aching pain.
Today I’m numb.
My mind is exhausted,
And when I close my eyes,
I see blood stains
On his bedroom floor.
The scars of suicide.
Constant reminders of that heart-wrenching pain
Felt throughout that war zone.
Today I’m tired.
Tired of hurting.
Tired of crying.
Tired of the pain that seems to only get
Today I’m surviving.
I’ve made it through these last fourteen days.
I’ve lived through the pain,
Through the tears,
Through the heartache,
And through the clouds of depression that smother me every single day.
Today I can hope,
And today I can know that things will get better,
Because they have to.
I can’t imagine them getting worse.