Breathe

There’s a pounding in my ears that won’t go away
My face, it aches from these tears today
But I need the release. I need the cleansing
That comes from this water. A salty rinsing.

Tears streaming down my face
Can’t hold them back
They won’t go back
I’m so alone and out of place
I can’t hear you
I can’t feel you

I could shed, a thousand tears
But they won’t wash away a thousand years
Every strained and gasping breath
A wet heart cry for some rest

Tears streaming down my face
I need you, Lord
I need your grace
I can’t go on, I’m so afraid
I must hear you
I must feel you

My lungs do burn, gasping for the air
I want to heal but I can’t go there
I’m addicted to my aching heart
Pain owns my mind right from the start

Tears streaming down my face
I hurt myself
To my disgrace
Heal me God, oh heal my pain!
I need to hear you!
I need to feel you!

Please!
Help me learn to
Breathe!
I’m down here on my
Knees!
Oh dear God, please take me!
Save me!

Tears streaming down my face
I’ve felt your love
I’ve felt your grace
You’ve given me your breath today
I can hear you
I can feel you
Breathe

Imperfection

I cram my life full of stuff
But all I do is never enough
I want to be perfect but I can’t
I’m always so… defiant
I can never do what’s required of me
I can’t live up, why don’t you see?

Imperfection is what you asked for
Imperfection is what you want
Imperfection is what I’m full of
Imperfection is what I’ve got

You want what’s broken, empty, and dry
You want me too, even though I lie
You are so perfect and want what’s not
You don’t want some perfect robot
I’m not perfect, God, it’s true
Come on, please draw me to you

Imperfection is what you asked for
Imperfection is what you want
Imperfection is what I’m full of
Imperfection is what I’ve got

All I can give is Imperfection
Come on, God, that’s what you want
Imperfection is what I’m full of
Can you please use what I’ve got?

Anger

It completely devours
Eats away until I’m gone
It controls who I am
Making me bitter
It consumes my body
Fills every thought
It’s constantly waging
War with my heart
It influences choices
I say the wrong things
It pushes people away
Even the ones that I love
It changes me
From the inside out
It takes EVERYTHING
I ever held close.

So Mournful The Elegy, So Comforting The Hymn

A friend of mine posted this song and it struck something in me. Worry has eaten me alive before. The anxiety that literally leads to physical sickness, antisocial behaviors, and deep depression complete with crying, loss of appetite, and avoidance of conversation. I’m not that way now, but I’ve been there before and have no desire to go back. Being there yourself is hard, but even harder than that is watching those you love (friends AND family) face the same dragon of despair.

Hymns From Nineveh – So Mournful The Elegy, So Comforting The Hymn


—LYRICS— Continue reading

Feelin’

I feel so down and out
I want to scream! I want to shout!
I feel so way down low
But I’ll try to hide so you’ll never know

You don’t know what I’m feeling
Because I keep it all locked up
And you’ll never know
Unless I show.

I feel so way up high
So good I’ll touch the sky
When I’m feeling good
You’ll know like you should.

You don’t know what I’m feeling
Because I keep it all locked up
And you’ll never know
Unless I show. Continue reading

Storms of Life

A storm rolls in with booming pain
Slashes of hope drive me insane
The gales of feeling toss me around
Tug me up, then slam me down
The winds soon cease, but the rain pelts on
Seeming to say, “All your friends are gone.”
Just as I think it will never end
The sun pops out and good times begin
My so-called friends again appear
But fair weather is why they are here
The sun shines bright, the grass is green
I forget that life can ever be mean
But the leaves soon whisper, “The air grow cool,
A storm is brewing. It will be cruel.”
I think to myself, “Not again.”
“I cannot go through this without a friend.”
The wind is screeching, drops begin to fall
My fair-weather friends are gone after all
I stand in a field and scream at the sky
“I cannot go through this! I would rather die!”
Someone appears, umbrella in tow,
Comes over to me and answers: “I know.”
He raises it up, up over my head,
And asks with a smile, “Would you rather be dead?”
I say not now and ask for his name
He replies “It is Jesus and I will never change.”
He sticks right beside me through fair weather and storms
When I’m happy and joyous and when I mourn.
~2004

December 2005

These two unfortunately go together and were written on the dates of title…

1 December 2005

A year and a half ago the pain began
Memorial Day made memorable
By a stroke to the sleeping.
The phone calls started,
Trips to the hospital too.
Over a few months the pain sparked anger.
Anger led to hatred and hatred had to be dealt with.
The hatred was calmed and replaced with
Dread.
Dread of the phone calls.
Dread of the never-ending hospital trips.
Dread of the pain that was constantly worse,
Is constantly worse.
A week ago the end was in sight.
Relief was within reach.
All dread, and the energy wasted on it,
Was transformed into
Hope.
Uncertain hope, but hope nonetheless.
Two days go the phone calls stopped.
Relief was close enough to taste.
The end of the never-ceasing pain was
Hours away.
Yesterday another trip to the hospital was made.
It lasted eight and a quarter hours.
The waiting was physically, emotionally,
And mentally draining.
Hope was clung to
And supernatural patience was felt.
Last night, at 5:15pm, hope and relief
Died.
The pain, dread, and anger came back;
Fueled by frustration, confusion, and disappointment.
The phone calls have started again.
The trips to the hospital are much more frequent.
Anger has faded,
But the pain and dread are stronger than ever.
The end is out of sight.
Today I wish:
That life was a dream and that I could wake up.
That pain and dread were nightmares
And never really felt.
That the phone would stop ringing,
And that hope would come back.
Today the pain isn’t over,
The dread isn’t gone.
The end is still out of sight.
But the end will come,
The pain will stop,
It has to.

15 December 2005

Two weeks ago the pain intensified
I thought things couldn’t get worse,
But they did.
Death to one unexpected
Threw me into confusion.
Pain and loneliness surrounded me
Ten days ago I walked into
A war zone.
Words of hatred flew back and forth in
That house of anger and sadness.
Comfort was desperately needed,
But I didn’t know how to express it!
Nine days ago was the funeral;
And the tension made it so hard
To breathe.
The pain was dealt with in opposite ways.
Some had uncontrollable weeping.
Others looked emotionless.
The feelings were bottled so tightly;
And true emotion was armored so carefully
That almost no comfort could be given.
I was allowed inside one person’s fortress.
The undertow of her grief was
Drowning me.
Exhausted,
Aching,
And drenched in my own endless tears,
All I could do was watch her cry for him,
Love him,
Talk to him,
And try desperately to rub some life back into him.
I couldn’t move; I was
Frozen.
I couldn’t help her.
All I could do was hurt, and watch her hurt.
It was a nauseating pain,
It still is.
Another person was allowed inside her fortress.
That person was able to do what I couldn’t.
That person held her,
Comforted her,
And told her that the one she lost was still alive in her heart.
That is was okay to cry for him,
Her brother,
Her best friend,
The one that she couldn’t wake up.
Three days ago we went our separate ways;
She went to school and I went home,
Supposedly to live normal lives again.
But I can’t get normal.
I can’t focus.
I can’t get rid of my aching pain.
Today I’m numb.
My mind is exhausted,
And when I close my eyes,
I see blood stains
On his bedroom floor.
The scars of suicide.
Constant reminders of that heart-wrenching pain
Felt throughout that war zone.
Today I’m tired.
Tired of hurting.
Tired of crying.
Tired of the pain that seems to only get
Worse.
Today I’m surviving.
I’ve made it through these last fourteen days.
I’ve lived through the pain,
Through the tears,
Through the heartache,
And through the clouds of depression that smother me every single day.
Today I can hope,
And today I can know that things will get better,
Because they have to.
I can’t imagine them getting worse.